Episode 34: Fortunate Challenges
Paul Forchione
Paul was born with cerebral palsy and it was so severe that the doctors told his mom that he would never be able to walk. Thank goodness for a wonderful mom and a great mindset that wasn’t his story. He was able to overcome it and is now able to live a very active life, however it wasn’t easy to get to at that point. Today as a Mindset Coach, Paul shares his story with his clients to rewrite their own stories.
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Podcast Transcript:
Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents. Where crooked, crushed and sick people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume. 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%. Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than.
Like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damaged self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges. Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it.
There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose.
These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero. Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice.
The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them. Today, we're going to talk with Paul fortune. He has many roles in his life, inspiring coach, community leader, and more. We'll talk about how his mom taught him to never give up. There's a way to reach your goal even with the challenges you have let's talk
Paul Forchione I'm so glad to have you on Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents, the podcast. We are so glad you were here.
Paul Forchione: [00:01:58] Thank you, Angela. I'm looking forward to our conversation.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:01] I've been really looking forward to this because we briefly talked in our pre-interview discussion. Let's talk about the things that we don't always talk about when it comes to disability and struggle and what that is like. My understanding is you were born with cerebral palsy.
What you know of me is my hands don't work. Right? You know, so whereas you were born with a disability or disabilities, I'm not sure. And I was, I have a before and after story I want to understand the perspective or maybe the different perspective. I'm certain, you've had challenges since.
Paul Forchione: [00:02:38] Of course Yeah, no question.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:40] So tell us, I suppose, maybe let's start with whatever struggle, want to start with, if you're struggle that you want to talk about is having cerebral palsy.
And that maybe we're more similar than we realize.
Paul Forchione: [00:02:52] Okay. So what I want to get across to your audience is this, that vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness. And as I've become a coach, I've really embraced that. And I really understand it because growing up. With cerebral palsy and I can go into what cerebral palsy is in a moment. But all I wanted to do was fit in with the other kids.
I didn't want to stand out. I didn't want any special treatment. I wanted to just be treated like everybody else. So throughout my, my life, I wanted to bury that story about cerebral palsy. And when I even brought it up. I would almost be in tears because I didn't want to talk about it.
And if, because with cerebral palsy, it affects one side of the body. Now you know as an adult, I still walk with a little bit of a limp and I still hold my right arm a little bit differently. And I remember for the longest time when I would be limping or whatever, I would, make up some silly story.
Cause I didn't want to get into the cerebral palsy softball and for whatever, whatever was in my mind, I would make some silly story up because I really didn't want to get into it because I was so ashamed of having cerebral palsy. And it wasn't till like I got into the journey of, life coaching that, that changed.
And the reason why it changed is when I first got into the business of coaching, nobody wanted to work with me. Nobody trusted me to work with me and I had this Eureka moment. And thinking, how do I expect these people to open up to me? If I'm not open to them? They have no idea about my background.
Who am I to give them, coaching advice. If they do not know anything about me
Damaged Parents: [00:04:33] So you were unwilling at the beginning of your journey in coaching to not, you didn't want to share because you saw it as a fault,
Paul Forchione: [00:04:43] as a weakness, as a weakness,
Damaged Parents: [00:04:45] And I mean, we've, we grew up in this world with disabilities all around us. Maybe we don't see it very often. Right. So you had to shift that. So you'd gone home many, many years. It sounds like without recognizing it as a benefit.
Paul Forchione: [00:05:01] Yeah. yeah, many, many years, uh, into well into adulthood, with my first career. I really wouldn't talk about it again. It wasn't until I got into coaching that, that shifted and it was, it all stemmed from that value piece. How do I expect these people to be vulnerable with me? If I'm not going to be vulnerable with them, they need to know where I'm coming from.
Why would they trust somebody that they have no idea what their background is? It just doesn't make sense. So because of that, I had to embrace my story. And now that I talk about it quite a bit, I look back and go, boy, you know, I'm not trying to be, conceited or cocky about it. But I, boy, I went through a lot and I was able to overcome a lot and I feel like my story of just telling people what I went through and what I did to overcome it just that alone can be inspiring.
So once I started to embrace my story, embrace what it is and tell everybody from the rooftops, my story. People started coming to me and go, you know what? This is what's going on with me. And I can relate to your story because of X, Y, and Z. And as a result of that, I started to attract more and more, more, more clients.
And it was a game changer for me. And it all was just embracing me who I am and changing my energy about myself and my story. And, it's just opened up many, many doors for me. Just that alone. So, I'm grateful that I came to that realization.
Damaged Parents: [00:06:30] What was that like coming to that realization? Was it hard and painful to get there? So as you know, I, my hands don't work. Like I didn't ask at the beginning of this podcast and I see a before and after, whereas you've had cerebral palsy your entire life. So. I think that's really interesting that you had to embrace your story and I've had to embrace my story and I'm thinking maybe there's not much difference in that.
What are your thoughts on that? Especially since you work with so many people in coaching and I'm sure not all of them have cerebral palsy.
Paul Forchione: [00:07:06] Yeah, no, I mean, everybody has insecurities in themselves, whether it be a physical, whether it be a mental, we're all struggling with something. And once we can, reach out and say, Hey, I have a problem. I need to fix this problem and vocalize it and tell other people that I have this issue. That should be known as a strength, not a weakness, because what you're trying to do is you're trying to solve the problem.
The worst thing that we can do is just suffer in silence. Nothing gets done if we suffer in silence. So when we can vocalize it, whether to a coach, to a friend, to a family member, to whoever that I am hurting and I need help. That is such a strength in such a powerful thing. And every single person on this earth has something that they're struggling with and once we can embrace it and show that there's people that can help things happen for the better.
Damaged Parents: [00:08:04] Right. And so how, if, because you were able to delineate getting there many, many years after the fact and learning that you didn't have to justify it away or joke it away or, whatever, how. I mean, obviously it was causing you pain because in coaching that vulnerability is important and people can't trust you is what I heard you say, people aren't going to trust you unless you're willing to say, Hey, you know what?
I've been there too. So it was very, even painful for you to admit it. And it seems like now you just shout it from the rooftops. So how did you get to that point? I mean, when you were having that realization. What was that? Like, what were those emotions like?
Paul Forchione: [00:08:47] Well, like I said, even mentioning that story, I, it would almost bring me to tears. To admit to somebody that had cerebral palsy, it was crazy. The, you know, looking back how emotional I would get about it. But yeah, I would pretty much be in tears. If I mentioned that I had cerebral palsy to anybody.
And to answer your question. Practice makes perfect. I kept talking about my story and the more I talked about my story, the less emotional I got about it. And now when I tell my story, I tell my story because I want to help other people that may have. Something similar that they're going through, then it's okay to open up and tell people your story.
In my childhood, if I would have opened up more about having cerebral palsy, I feel like I probably wouldn't have got bullied and teased as much as I did. And I think a lot of that bullying and teasing had to do with me, unfortunately, because of the fact that I kept it from people. So people, you know, let their imaginations go wild about what was wrong with me.
And it wasn't reality. But if I felt like if I was up front with people my childhood would've been better, but again, I just didn't see it as a, strength that's thought of as a weakness. And you know, what I've learned now, and that's all that matters.
Damaged Parents: [00:10:07] Yeah. Yeah. I also think that's a hard lesson to learn. It for anyone. And for me having a before and after I had wondered, you know, was there a point of before and after, and it seems like you still have a before and after if you will. I think in some ways, I was jealous of people or in my mind, the story I told myself is, Oh, these people grew up with it.
They had a lot of time to accept their disability and I didn't get that. So it sounds like you still grew up in, had to learn how to accept.
Paul Forchione: [00:10:43] 100%. I mean, as a kid, I remember crying in my room at night sometimes saying, why me? Why do I have to be different? Why can't I just be one of the other, kids? So it was a struggle , for the longest time. that woe was me attitude that, why do I have to have this challenge when other people don't have this challenge?
but now as a coach, I've embraced it, I've embraced what I've gone through because as a result of what I've gone through, I've been able to help so many more people. So now I look at it as it was my purpose in life to go through this so that I can help other people
Damaged Parents: [00:11:20] Which is a tremendous gift in my mind. So one of the things I had read on your pre-interview sheet was that you had a wonderful mom with a great mindset. can you tell us about that?
Paul Forchione: [00:11:34] Uh, yeah, so my mom, without my mom, I wouldn't be walking today. I'd be in a wheelchair. She was my voice as an infant. When I was diagnosed with cerebral palsy, the doctor told my mom that I would never be able to walk. And at a certain age it would be a good idea to get him ready to be in a wheelchair because that was going to be his life period. That was it. And my mom. Didn't take that diagnosis. She got other opinions and found somebody that was willing to help me. And she's been tremendous throughout my life. I remember playing soccer as a youngster. And at the time, I was only able to run 25 to 50 yards where these other kids were running laps around the field.
And I'm feeling defeated because, you know, I'm sticking out. I'm not really playing soccer. I'm just pretty much standing there. And my mom and set the tone for my life book by saying this to me, she said that if you don't want to play soccer anymore, That's fine, but you need to honor your commitment.
You need to finish out the soccer season. So that's what I did. I finished out the soccer season. I have never played soccer since, but that's been my mantra ever since then that I need to honor my commitments. And that's why I feel like I've been into places that I've been all because of what my mom taught me about. Even though that you have limitations, there's still a way through, there's still something you can do to get yourself over that wall. And she's never allowed me to have excuses, throughout my life. I owe a lot to her and her teachers she's still alive and she's still a big part of my life.
So, yeah, there's, I can't say enough about my mom.
Damaged Parents: [00:13:10] I think that's awesome. And I think it's really interesting what you said about the medical field in that there were people who wouldn't, or couldn't help you or didn't know how to help you. And she still kept looking. What are your thoughts about that? As far as seeing capacity in the struggle.
How maybe does our community or us, how do we help society and even medical right facilities? See that there's value. Even when we think there might not be. And to keep trying, do you understand where I'm going with
Paul Forchione: [00:13:45] Yeah. Yeah. I think that we underestimate the power of human belief. I think it's a powerful, powerful, powerful tool that I think that we need to implement more in our society and our medicine. And everything that we do that positive attitude can change things quite a bit, whether than having that negative attitude and, every single person on this earth has something that they can offer this world.
Some sort of passion, some sort of talent that they can offer this world. It's up to us to find out what that talent is. And once we find out what that talent is, it's up to us to share with the world to see. But it all starts with that self-love we have to love ourselves on who we are, right. This moment, not who we were in the past, not who we want to be in the future, but who we are right this moment.
And once we start to have that, self-love about who we are, right. This moment. Then the sky's the limits because then we have the confidence to really go after the things we want to go after. In my life, I can tell you this when I'm in a, good mood, positive mood, happy mood, I'm way more productive and way more, able to take on challenges and go after things.
When I'm in a poor mood, angry, sad. I am not very productive at all. And I think that goes with most human beings that we don't work well when we're sad or angry. And I'm not telling any of your audience not to be sad or angry because that those are human emotions and we are entitled to feel anger and sadness, and that's fine, but sometime in your life, you're going to save yourself.
I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to be angry anymore. And that's. The awareness piece. And at that point we can, change that. And then if you'd like, I can go into an exercise on health, how that you can change your mindset on that.
Damaged Parents: [00:15:33] Yes. Most definitely. I would greatly appreciate that because I think a lot of people, no matter where they're at. And I think what I also hear you saying is that. When it is that sad and angry when it becomes your mindset, having the emotion and having a purpose is for that emotion and learning. What is trying to tell you that's important and necessary?
It sounds, it seems like to me, however, when my life becomes defined by sadness and anger, for instance, that's when maybe I might want to be concerned is what I'm hearing from you.
Paul Forchione: [00:16:08] Yeah, 100%. And, and the easiest way to break out of that mode is, think about what is going well in your life, right? This moment, it could be your family. It could be your job. It could be your dog, whatever it is. Think about that. And once you start thinking about that, you will opened up your mind to start to point out the positive things that are going on in your, in your life.
How many times when you buy a new car and you drive that new car around, you see that car all over the place, because your mind's looking for it. It's the same thing with the positive and negative attitude. When you open up your mind to positive things, Your mind attracts other positive things, because obviously we can go the opposite way right within with the negative.
And I use this analogy all the time is you're driving to work and you get a flat tire and you save yourself. This would happen to me. I would get a flat tire, bad things always happen to me. And I would, say to that individual is yeah, bad things happen to you because you're looking for the bad things.
You're, you're having your mind look for the bad things. Your mind does not know what, you know, your thought pattern is, what reality is and what reality is not is. So you can trick your mind. To make your own reality. And I choose and I help my clients choose the positive way to look at things because it's a ways your way to go through life is to look at the positive things that are going through, because there is a lot of positives in your life.
Even if you're in a bad spot, you still can look at things that are positive and focusing on that, but those that positive, and that will get you through those bad times.
Damaged Parents: [00:17:47] Okay. So you've, let's say you've got someone in your life where. They take a step out of their comfort zone. Right. They were comfortable and they take that step out. And all of a sudden, from their perspective, all these bad things are happening. Right. And what you're saying is it's what we choose to put our mind on. And that's really hard when it seems like you're getting slammed over and over and over again. So what do you tell people to do when that happens?
Paul Forchione: [00:18:20] just focusing on one thing, one thing I don't want you to think about a hundred things that are positive, especially if you're in that, angry or sad mindset that a lot of bad things are happening to you. Just focusing on one thing, that's going well with you, right? This moment. Just one, just one.
And it could be, as I'm alive, you know, I don't know what has gone on in your life, but you could be I'm alive and focusing on my life. And I have an opportunity to, to change some things because I'm alive, I'm breathing. So just keep it simple. If, you're really, really overwhelmed, just think one thing, one, just give me one thing.
That's it. One thing.
Damaged Parents: [00:19:00] Okay. So that person focuses on the one thing for that day. Right. And they have to keep focusing or what happens next? Or I mean, what has been your experience? What starts to happen in their life? When they focus on that one? Positive thing or one thing that at least isn't negative.
Paul Forchione: [00:19:19] Yeah, well, it, basically what it does is opens up their mind. The year focusing on that, that one positive thing. And now your mind is focusing on a positive thing. So now it's like I said, now it starts to point out another positive thing. Oh, you know what? My favorite ice cream is, is on sale at the grocery store.
Bam, let me buy that. You know, it just, it multiplies from there. And you know, and I'm not saying it's easy, but if you can just. Put your mind to work there and just focus in on that one thing, it will start to open up your mind to other positive things that are going on in your life. And I am not telling anybody it's easy, but if you really want to change your mood, it's necessary.
Damaged Parents: [00:20:02] Okay. So how about looking back and looking for those places where there was bravery and courageousness does, is that also helpful to look back and recognize in other struggles or how helpful is it to look back at other struggles and recognize? Well, that was actually really brave right there. And you were really scared and then apply that to the situation that's happening now.
Paul Forchione: [00:20:30] Oh a hundred percent. That's great. If you can do that. So for instance, in my life I had a goal that I set that I wanted to be in varsity baseball. And that helped me to overcome a lot of the bullying. Cause I focused in on that goal and I was able to achieve that goal. And, and as a result, a lot of good things happened to me and I finished that goal.
And I was able to complete it, which was great. But more importantly, after I completed that goal, I graduated high school and all through my, high school career, I just did enough to to get bought because I was told by my principal, when I first got into that school, what I took an assessment test to see where I was at, that I was not college material, that I am, in, lowest level.
And I'm not college material. And so I believed it and that's why it just did enough to get by , to be eligible, to play baseball, because what's the point in trying any harder, I'm not college material. Why waste my time, just do enough to get by. So that's what I did. And when I graduated high school, I started to think about, wow, I just accomplished this goal of making this varsity baseball team, high school baseball team, which some, it was cerebral palsy, which at the time when I made that goal in junior high, I thought it was near to impossible, but I was able to accomplish that goal.
So why not set another goal? To be college material. So I used a lot of the attributes I used going after my baseball goal and transferring it to my new goal, which was being college material and, doing what I needed to do to become cost material. And as a result, I was able to, transfer to a four university where I graduate, where I was college material.
So yeah, everything is transferable. And then, uh, to your other point, that triggered. I ha I'm not going to get any, to any specifics about a client, but I had a client one time who I could tell her voice that she was in a bad spot, you know, and I'm thinking, okay, this is going to be a tough call. And she was going through her story of what was going on in her life at that point.
And I was taking notes, listening, and, after she was done, I let her vent, let her get it all out. And I went back through her story and I was pointing out all the positive things that she was doing, that she was missing. Cause her mind was only going to the negative and it was opening up her mind going, what about this?
You were doing this good. You didn't look at this, but you were doing this good and it, and, it opened up her mind and she had a realization going, wow, wow, you're right. I was doing that. Right. I was doing that. Great. And I'm not saying that she was doing backflips by the end of the call, but you could tell in her voice that, because of, I was able to open up her mind to look at some of the positive things she was in a way better state from the beginning of the call to the end.
And for me, that was a win.
Damaged Parents: [00:23:10] Yeah, that sounds like when, okay. Something that just came to my mind is what about those clients? And I don't know, maybe they don't find their way to coaching, but what about those clients that it's almost like it works to be stuck or it works to be sad and they're trying. Maybe, but they keep going back to that same mindset.
Have you had that happen before or maybe it just naturally happens and it's like, you have to keep shifting. I'm not sure what happens.
Paul Forchione: [00:23:38] Yeah, naturally we have our comfort zone. Right. And we want to stay in that comfort zone because we feel safe in that comfort zone. It's nice and cozy in that comfort zone. So yeah, I've had clients where, we have a breakthrough when we go back and it's because. I'm pushing them into whatever direction that is and they get nervous.
Right? Ah, nah, I don't want to, uh, this is too much for me. Yeah. And then they go back to where they feel comfortable and it happens and it's my job to say, to point it out , going oh you're back to that comfort zone. We got to get you out of there. , you got to feel that. I tell my clients this, when you're filling that, that tingle in your belly, that nervous feeling in that belly, that means you're doing the right thing. That means you're challenging yourself and use that tingle and the belly as excitement, not as nervousness, but as excitement because it's so close that excitement in your stomach to your nervousness. It's so close. So, you know, when you go on a roller coaster, you have that kind of nervousness, but excitement feeling. So twist it by saying, you know what, I'm ready to go with that tingle in my belly, I know I'm doing the right thing and embrace it because that thing on the belly will never, ever, ever go away.
I mean, I do speaking engagements quite a bit, or I was with COVID, but every single time. I would get a tingle in my belly, a nervous feeling in my belly going, Oh no, here we go. And I would say to myself, okay, I'm ready to go out on stage now because I have that tingle in the belly. I learned that from, I stole that from Bruce Springsteen Eve.
He says that when I have that tingle in my belly and my, legs are real, tingly. I know I'm ready to get on stage. So I kind of stole that from him. And I kind of used that as my mantra when I'm doing something that, that, that scares me. And I share that with my clients, that when you, when that, belly happens, you know, you're doing the right things.
Damaged Parents: [00:25:30] Yeah, that's fantastic. And you're reminding me of, The upside of stress by Kelly McGonigal. I'm not sure if you've read that
Paul Forchione: [00:25:36] I have not.
Damaged Parents: [00:25:37] in that book, she and her sister is Jane McGonigal. They're both, I think Jane's a gamer, but Kelly's on the psychology side of things. And what she, what we, what I learned in that book was.
Literally what you're saying. it's neat. How trues just, they're just true, no matter what, right. And you learn this to excitement versus stress or anxiety physiologically. They're the same. if they're physiologically the same, then you're right in being a mindset coach that we do just have to change that.
And I think that's really interesting because it is so easy when I get that feeling in my stomach or that heavy feeling to be like, Oh, I must be doing the wrong thing. When you point that out to your clients. Do they go, Oh my gosh. You're right. Or do they go, Oh yeah, no, I'm still afraid. Or what kind of responses do you get?
Paul Forchione: [00:26:34] all kinds, Oh, you're right. Oh yeah. You know, I get them all. I get them all, all the responses. But the main thing is they're aware of it. And once they're aware of it, that's the point right there when you're aware of something. That's when you can change it. If you're not aware of it, you never can change it because why would you change it?
Because you're not aware of it. So awareness is key.
Damaged Parents: [00:26:54] Yeah, it really is. We all have implicit bias and it sounds like even with the one example you gave the gal who told her story, didn't see the positive things that you saw in her story. What can we surround ourselves with? Or how can we surround ourselves with people who are able to point that out or what do you recommend so that we can see where we're being blind?
Paul Forchione: [00:27:22] Well, I always recommend a couple things. Having a mentor is huge. I have a mentor for me. Now in my coaching world is a mentor is more on the business side, but he's helped me tremendously. And I think that's extremely sport. And especially as a coach, I feel like when I interview other coaches for coaching, I go, do you have a coach for yourself?
Because. If you don't have a coach for yourself, then do you really believe in the coaching? Right. I feel like it, I think it should be, everybody should be coaching and in coaching. You know, I think that is it's very important. And, having that support system to give you that tough love to not always tell you.
Oh yeah, yeah, that's good. If you're going down the wrong path, that'd be to be strong enough to say, you know what? I don't know about that. And as long as you're coming from a good place, if you're not coming from a good place, that's a different story for different day.
But if you're coming from a good place and you think that they're doing something that's destructive, then you should be able to tell them that. And then, with your friends too. I mean, you should be looking for friends that are going to lift you up, not tear you down. , I have people in my life that, that have these friends that are just, leeches and I'm like, why are you still friends with these people?
They're not bringing you up. Well, they accept me. And I go, do they really accept you? Because all they do is bring you down. They always say these negative things. I feel like they're pulling you down because they want you to go down to their level. They're not coming up to your level.
So maybe you need to surround people that are at a higher level so they can pull you up to that level.
Damaged Parents: [00:28:50] Are you talking about like when someone, maybe their friends are telling them how they should be and instead of allowing them to be, and maybe not being curious or what I'm trying to understand, what you mean by what you just said?
Paul Forchione: [00:29:06] well I'll give you an example in the positive and I'll give you example in the negative. Okay. So like, let's just say the negative. Okay. Let's just say that, this person, wants to. Pursue a career and be a lawyer. Okay. And they have to go through a lot, a lot of steps to get to that point and they have to work hard and they probably have to have a, another job to pay the bills, whether they're going through school and stuff.
So they're very, very busy. And if you have friends that call you up and say, Hey, let's go to the bar and drink. And you're like, I can't, I have to study. I know, come on. Come on, you know, and, and this is a constant thing that they do this to you where they're not allowing you, that they're not respecting you need to study, you need to do this stuff, but they're like, you know, they're being selfish.
They want you to go drinking with them and every now and again, I know that that's something different, but I mean, if they're constantly calling you. Constantly. And that's all they're calling you for is to go drinking then maybe, that might be a friend that you might need to push away a little bit, because they may not have your best interest at heart.
Damaged Parents: [00:30:08] Right. So it's, they're not even being curious about what you're doing. It's just, you need to come have fun. And who cares about what your needs are?
Paul Forchione: [00:30:16] Correct correct. And then the, positive side on that is if you had friends that you give them a call and you're like out riding your bike and doing, having a good time. And they're like, you have to, and I go, well, I'm, riding my bike and such, I'm going to do this long ride and it's going to be great.
And they go, well, what about your studying? Don't you have a big test tomorrow? Well, I think I got it. Well, do you really got it? I mean, I know that it's important that you need a ride and get to exercise, but, I think it's important that you, buckle down and, be prepared for the tests you're taking tomorrow.
And if you have a friend like that, I mean, those are the friends that you need, that the people that are, that, take interest in you and know that you're not doing the right thing at the time and pointing about.
Damaged Parents: [00:30:57] So the ones who want to support you in your goals versus the ones who want you to do what they want you to do.
Paul Forchione: [00:31:05] Correct that, or maybe just being a little bit selfish. I mean, I understand, every now and again, if you want to go out with your friends and have a drink or two that, I mean, I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but I'm just saying that if you, if that's constantly your friendship with this person and you have these tasks that you need to do to complete, and they're preventing you from completing these tasks because they're constantly pulling you away and selfishly not really.
Not even thinking about what you really need right now. They're just thinking, well, I'm lonely right now, or I need youth for this, this or that reason. And, and I, I don't think that's a good influence.
Damaged Parents: [00:31:38] Yeah, that would be really hard. How would you achieve your goals if you keep putting them on the back burner?
Paul Forchione: [00:31:44] You're not going to.
Damaged Parents: [00:31:45] and even if that's scary, right? So let's say it's, you've got that person who's scared and they've got those friends. I mean, it's much easier to go out with the friends or they get behind on something. And that becomes overwhelming. How as a coach, would you say how do we start?
What is the first small step somebody can take in that situation for themselves?
Paul Forchione: [00:32:10] Again, we go back to that comfort zone. Right? You talked about it. This is what I know. These are my friends. This is what I know I'm comfortable with these friends. So, the first step would be, is to put a little bit of distance in between those, friends and just, uh, if they want you to go out for X, Y, and Z reason, and you have to study and you know, they're going to give you crap because if you say I'm going to study.
That they're going to say, Oh, come on out, make up another excuse, say, you know what, I'm going out with another set of friends somewhere else or whatever. And then you're studying. And not be active with them as much. A lot of times, if you stop really texting these people, they'll stop texting you so much because you're not, you know, you're not fun anymore.
You're not, actively going out with us. So I would we not on the texting a bit. And while you're doing that, seek out, you know, if you're in, in that, in the example that we're talking about is, going after becoming a lawyer, Yeah, I'm sure there's people in that class or students that may be more like-minded than you, that you may be confronted with that might help push you to that next level, help you study for the exam and, get you to that next level.
So it's, kind of changing that, spear of influence
Damaged Parents: [00:33:21] Yeah, which can also be scary and hard and that's okay. Right. Like, one of my friends says there's no comfort in the growth stone and no growth in the comfort zone.
Paul Forchione: [00:33:31] That's absolutely right. A hundred percent.
Damaged Parents: [00:33:33] so true. So true. Okay. One thing I did want to touch bases with you on is the disability. Perspective and fitting into the world, like you said, you had hid or tried to hide for many, many years until you became a coach.
I'm thinking you had some corporate jobs in the midst of all that. And at that point being vulnerable, I guess what's the. Your reasoning for not sharing it in the corporate world. What was inside your mind? Because I also talked to a friend of mine a few months ago who helps, uh, higher level corporate executives. And he said to me, well, No one with a disability has ever come through me for a job that, or they'd never told me that because he was aware of people with disabilities can work higher up in, in companies.
And he's thinking, at least not that they ever told me. So from your position perspective, is there still a stigma there and how could we better overcome it?
Paul Forchione: [00:34:34] yeah, 100%. There's definitely a stigma for people with a disability. Unfortunately, a lot of times we're visual people. And when we make assumptions on people, right from the get go. Of who they, we think they are and who we think they're not. And we don't give them that chance to talk about their, uh, their story and where they're coming from, because we already have this pre consisting, a notion on who we think they are.
And and I think that needs to be broken quite a bit. I'll give you an example, not so much in the corporate role, but just in a personal world. In dealing with people with cerebral palsy. I'm, fortunate enough that my cerebral palsy was quite mild compared to a lot of other people. And one thing I do know about people with cerebral palsy their mind is it's cognitively fine.
There's nothing wrong with their mind. It's their motor skills. So you can have cerebral palsy so severe that you can barely speak. And you're in a wheelchair and you can barely speak. So you'll have people that will, come and talk to these people, in a slower manner, talking to them, you know, not, like how you would talk to somebody, you know, you see on the street, you talk to them in a very slow manner.
And, you know, obviously I don't have that problem. So, but I, can see that how painful that is for that person, they're trapped in their own body and I know they would love to say to the other person is talking to them that way. It's just talk to me normal.
I just want you to talk to me just as a normal human being. That's because that's what I am. I'm just a normal human being. Please talk to me that way. Don't talk to me any differently. And I think that is a huge thing that we do. Lot of times we're doing it. We're not trying to be hurtful and doing it.
We think we're being helpful, but we're really not. We just we want to be treated like every, everybody else we don't really want to be treated differently. I mean, obviously there might be some needs that we need that, some other people might not need. And I understand that, but as far as your interaction, we just want a normal interaction.
And I think that is more than just the corporate world. I think that would be tremendous that we just, we open up and we just treat people, with a little bit more respect, I think.
Damaged Parents: [00:36:51] so all of society and not just, and, and I was trying to use that as an example. And I see now that really it's all over society, just in your response. And I think I saw that before and yet. Yeah. I just think I wasn't very good at how I worded that question and that's okay. I learned something new. I have friends with cerebral palsy and I know I have a girlfriend of mine that has a daughter and she is It's not CPI.
I can never remember what it is and that's okay. I don't have to label it. Right. She can't talk. She, you know, her emotions she's very clear if she gets mad about something and she does things purposefully. So just because someone can't talk or I can't understand them doesn't mean they don't get those feelings.
And. How do we stay cognizant of that? Even me with my struggles, right? My own disability. I'm not sure if you to also do the same thing where you don't realize that you're treating someone differently. I mean, have you had that experience too? And if so, did you catch yourself and what was it like?
Paul Forchione: [00:38:00] Yeah, I'm sure I have. I really don't have a specific thing in my head, but when I talk with somebody, especially if they have a speech impediment or what have you, or even like down syndrome or whatever, I try my best to talk to them. Like I would talk to somebody that just saw on the street, that are watering their lawn.
I try, I had that back in my head, like, how would I speak to the person watering their lawn right now? How would I speak to them? Because that's how I want to speak to this person. If you're talking about a situation where I don't know the person right. Where I'm just, it's just a new interaction.
So that's the thought process in my head. How would I talk to the person watering the lawn? Because that's the PR that's the way I want to talk to this person right now is that same way. And I think that, they appreciate that. They don't want, they don't. I mean, yes, they understand there's the elephant in the room, but they don't want to have to address the elephant in the room, their whole life. They don't want to have to do it every single conversation. Sometimes they just want to have a conversation. So that's what I want to give to them.
Damaged Parents: [00:39:00] I love it when people treat me normal and let me tell them where the boundary is and say, Oh, I need help. I want to be able to struggle a little bit. So what you're saying makes sense to me that when I talk to anyone else, let them tell me, if they need me to be slower than they're going to tell me. And if I'm not understanding, I think this is the other side of it too, because I know there are speech impediments. Some people have speech impediments with cerebral palsy and with other challenges as well. It's not just cerebral palsy, but if I don't understand, I don't think it's helpful if I just pretend I understand.
I'm guessing they can tell.
Paul Forchione: [00:39:42] They a hundred percent can tell they're yeah, they, a hundred percent of they can tell it's okay to say, I apologize. I didn't understand what you said. Can you say it, say it again, or can you say it in a different way? So I understand that's perfectly fine. And they can appreciate that.
They understand that, especially if they have a speech impediment, they understand that the other person may not understand what they're saying completely. So, yeah, it was much, much better than like you said, just, bs it and really not know what they're saying and just nod their head.
Cause they you're right. They a hundred percent know that you're doing that. And I think they appreciate it more if you say, you know what? I don't understand, but I want to understand, can you explain it again or explain it a different way?
Damaged Parents: [00:40:23] Yeah. And I'm, I'm really glad that you pointed out that the brain is intact and they know, like they just can't say it because I think a lot of times the assumption is if you can't say it or you can't verbalize it, then you don't understand. And that's not always true.
Paul Forchione: [00:40:39] that's absolutely right. It is not always true. And we, I feel like in my situations, I think that we need to give that person the benefit of the doubt. And like you just said perfectly saying, unless they tell you, otherwise, you just have to assume they do know. And if you do, if you go that route, I think that you make that other person feel way more comfortable.
Damaged Parents: [00:41:00] Well, I think for me, I feel more like a human
Paul Forchione: [00:41:03] Exactly.
Damaged Parents: [00:41:04] not this, I don't even know how to say it, but this crippled bean that can't do for themselves and requires help, you know, I was watching a Monk. Have you seen Monk?
Paul Forchione: [00:41:14] I've heard of the show, but I, I never seen it.
Damaged Parents: [00:41:17] His wife died at triggered OCD, really bad, and some other ticks and things like that.
And he ends up with an assistant that. That actually helps him show up in the world so that he can still be a detective, although it's consulting. And I look at that and I think that's what we need to do with anyone who has a physical disability that needs additional help has helped is show up for them in a way that allows them to be a whole person or at least so that they can have the full extent of the human experience, whatever that means for them instead of what we think it should mean.
Paul Forchione: [00:41:56] I echo that completely. I think that is right on spot on.
Damaged Parents: [00:42:02] it's hard to, you know, it's not an easy task. what do you think about, I know there's, I don't know if you've read the rocking, the cradle report that was put out by the national council on disability and parents who have lost children, just for the very reason that they have a disability. you're nodding your head and thinking, you're thinking, yeah, that's totally possible if you haven't heard of it, but what are your thoughts on that?
Paul Forchione: [00:42:29] And when you say that they lose the child because of a disability. Was that mean that they passed away or they gave them up for adoption? What does that mean?
Damaged Parents: [00:42:38] good question. Thank you for asking me to clarify that. So in some cases, like if there's a divorce in one, parent has, let's see, uh, a brain injury or maybe cerebral palsy or whatever. And there, the caring for a child is different than caring for a child. From a normal parent. I don't know what to say is normal anymore, but from a physically capable, right?
That a lot of times the child will be put with the physically capable parent versus the nonphysically disabled parent.
Paul Forchione: [00:43:10] Yeah. I mean, that's just a tough thing altogether. You know, you have to feel. For the parents that, have child with a disability, obviously they didn't want the child to have a disability and the child doesn't want to have a disability, but here we are in that situation
Damaged Parents: [00:43:25] With a parent that's disabled too. So you've got, or even a normal child with a disabled parent. Right.
Just to reiterate, I wasn't sure if you totally got that's what I was talking
Paul Forchione: [00:43:36] No, no, I didn't. Thank you. Well that's even harder. Right? You have, you have your child with a disability and you have your own challenges. It's a huge thing. And I think in that situation, because I really haven't thought about that very much.
I haven't had situation, dealing with that, but just it, my first thoughts are with both the child and the, parent who has the disability is focus in on what you can do and not so much on what you can't do. And and go from there.
Damaged Parents: [00:44:06] Yeah,
Well, cause I'm thinking even with you, and I know with me, I've had to get really creative about trying to be successful in my own life. And like I will notice how many times somebody touches something and if they can do it with less touches, quite simply, because, when I lost the use of my hands, it was like my left hand was pretty, pretty straight forward.
The right hand slowly went. Right? Like, so I'm thinking you've also gotten creative in your role in how can that creativity benefit other people? I mean, I'm, thinking you've got some really neat ways to do things.
Paul Forchione: [00:44:43] Well, I guess for me, so to speak is the thing that, that stands out in my mind about that is it took me a long time to learn how to tie my shoes. And I felt really embarrassed about that in kindergarten because there was different things that we had to do, and I couldn't do that one thing, I couldn't tie my shoe and it was a struggle for me. And, I think it was second or third grade. I finally found a way. To be able to tie my shoe, which was, you know, for most kids, I mean, that was, second nature, but for me it was a big feat that I was able to tie my shoe.
So that's one thing that really would stand out in my mind that I did have to get creative with that. But, you know, as far as an adult's concern, I think my biggest challenge, which is not big of a challenge is uh piping. It's probably the hardest thing for me to do on my right side.
My motor skills for my fingers. Aren't as, as strong as on my left side. So me typing is a little bit slower, but with technology, the way it is, it's really not been a big deal. I mean, when I'm 40 now. So when I first got into the workforce, typing was a bigger deal. Just because of what we had to do, but now as technology has evolved, it's actually become less and less a thing about my typing.
So I think that's a beautiful thing about technology is going to constantly evolve and that will help people that have limitations, be able to do things. Weren't able to do before, which is a beautiful, beautiful thing. , going back to just, you know, awareness, I think that a lot of people, are not aware of, you know, other people's disabilities and they may.
Say things or do things that may be inappropriate because they don't know. So if we can kind of educate society about different various illnesses or disabilities that people are more aware of than then they're more capable of handling it. So like, I'm not angry at the person that's talking to the other person slowly.
They're not aware of it. You know, it's not, they're not coming from a place of. Hate or making fun of the person. They feel like that's what they're supposed to do. And if we can educate these people on that, no, that's not what you should do. And once and nine times out of 10, when you tell that person, Oh, okay.
I get it now I'll explain it this way. So I think awareness, is key.
Damaged Parents: [00:47:01] Yeah. And I think also, you're not carrying the full brunt of all of society. Being out there as one the voices from the perspective of cerebral palsy and the ability to coach is showing people. And because you have that voice and you're able to say, yeah, that's not what this means.
We're here, we get this. And then, you know, and because I think that pressure can be so much, and then also realizing that it's not just yours to your burden, to bear every single person who goes out into the world and says, yes, I have a disability is also saying pre presenting to society. Hey, guess what? I'm human too.
Paul Forchione: [00:47:42] Yeah, that's exactly right. We're all human beings. You hit the nail on the head. We're all human beings. We all have the same oceans. So, we just need to band together and unite and so many other ways in this realm of people with disabilities, we need to rally around these people because there's so much they can do and so much they want to do.
And it's up to all of us. To encourage these people to go after it, whatever that after is for them, it could be anything, but they encourage them that they don't just have to sit in a wheelchair their whole life and not have purpose because they do have purpose. They just need to figure out what their purpose is.
And once they figure out what the purpose is, then it's up to them to share with everybody else.
Damaged Parents: [00:48:24] Right, because finding that purpose and being able to give value back to the world, what I think I'm hearing you say is have finding that purpose, understanding what that value is, and then being given, being able to give it back leads to a better life. I mean, in your coaching, I'm thinking that's exactly what you're talking about.
Paul Forchione: [00:48:42] 100% and you can look at it with people with no disability. You look at people who know what their purpose is and you look at them. A lot of them could be in their eighties and nineties, and they're still sharp. And I really firmly believe that the reason why they're still sharp is because they have a purpose in their life because so often when, people retire.
They lose their purpose. Their purpose was what they did for a living, and now they don't have that purpose anymore and they just kind of skate and they kind of don't do anything. And I think that's when their mind just starts going away because they're normally not using it because they don't have that purpose anymore.
And I feel that when you retire, To find a new purpose because we're all constantly evolving. Even people who were still in the workforce, we're all evolving. We're different people from our twenties, thirties, forties, fifties, it's up to us to find out what that new purpose is in our life.
And, once we find that, there's not a greater feeling going, you know what, this is what I love. I love this. And be able to pursue that.
Damaged Parents: [00:49:40] Yeah. And having people around you that are capable of supporting you in that, I am so grateful that I got to have you on the show. I know we're at time . Do you have three quick things you want to share with everyone tips or tools you could have already talked about them or not, but you want to make sure, Hey, here's three things that I want you to walk away with today.
Paul Forchione: [00:49:59] First things first, if you believe you can achieve, I firmly believe that there's nothing more powerful than human belief. We can do it all. We can do it. You can do it. Secondly. You need to love yourself, who you are right now, what your strengths are, what your faults are. Love you at the present time is so, so important.
And third vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness. So if you're hurting, reach out for help, you're not being weak. You're actually being strong.
Damaged Parents: [00:50:34] Thank you so much, Paul. I'm so glad I got to have you on the show today.
Paul Forchione: [00:50:38] Absolutely. And if anybody wants to get in touch with me, they can go on my website acalltoaction.coach I even have a guide that I developed is free guide on how you can be able to rewrite your story. It goes into how I was able to rewrite my story, how you can rewrite your story and how you can maximize your day.
And it's on my website,
Damaged Parents: [00:50:57] and we'll link that in the comments. Thank you so much.
Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We really enjoyed talking to Paul learning how he found vulnerability is a strength. We especially liked when he spoke of his love for baseball and the lessons he learned from persevering. To connect with other damaged people connect with us on tik tok look for damaged parents. We'll be here next week. Still relatively damaged. See you then.
