Episode 32: Lone Parent

Janis Isaman

About:

Janis Isaman, founder of My Body Couture, helps people feel better in their body. Like most business owners today, she sees clients online and in person, and her speciality is helping people rid themselves of pain. She’s highly certified in both fitness and nutrition modalities and has been quoted as a lifestyle expert in Reader’s Digest, Prevention and Woman’s Health. But she’s not just a textbook of knowledge with a wall full of certifications. She’s a very real person, who has lived through her own lifestyle and body challenges. In her one to one sessions, she therefore provides practical solutions for her clients, taking the time to get to know their lifestyle challenges and provide reasonable solutions with her lively personality and approachable manner. This is a woman you want to know!

Social media and contact information:

Website: My Body Couture
Facebook: My Body Couture | Facebook
Instagram: My Body Couture | Janis Isaman (@mybodycouture) • Instagram photos and videos
Twitter: Janis Isaman (@MyBodyCouture) / Twitter
Elephant Journal: https://www.elephantjournal.com/author/janis_isaman/
LinkedIn:
https://ca.linkedin.com/in/jisaman
YouTube:
https://m.youtube.com/user/janisisaman
Clubhouse: @janis

Podcast Transcript:

Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by damaged Parents where alone, judged wrong people come to learn. Maybe just maybe. We're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.

Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than. Like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damage self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges.

Maybe it's not so much about the damage. Maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There's a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side hole.

Those who stared directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me, not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero. Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them.

Today, we're going to talk with Janis Isaman. She's had many roles in her life, mother. Founder of body couture and more. We'll talk about what it's like to be a lone parent. In today's society, the judgments. That need to be overcome. And the confidence that has to be found, let's talk.  

Welcome Janis to Relatively Damage by Damaged Parents. How are you today?

Janis Isaman: [00:02:01] I'm excellent.

Damaged Parents: [00:02:02] We're really grateful you're here.

Janis Isaman: [00:02:04] I am very happy to be here. I love talking about this topic.

Damaged Parents: [00:02:08] Well, that's good. Cause you're on the right podcast for that. Okay. So. Your biggest struggle, what you said is lone parenting. So wherever that journey started, go ahead and start there. We're going to walk through that process and I'll ask you some questions along the way.

Janis Isaman: [00:02:27] Okay, perfect. So I am a lone parent and I did not write the definition for this, but I wrote an article for elephant journal. That's been read almost a half million times and it blew me backward because the reason that I wrote that article was I have a ten-year-old and. It's crazy to think about this, but only a few years ago, we really didn't have podcast and Facebook resources the way we do now.

So when he was, I think around four, I felt personally burned out. I felt like I was in the darkest possible days where, you know, everybody assured me this was going to get easier. It did not feel easier. And I have a strong memory of laying in the top bunk of his bunk bed in the dark, beside him having spent untold number of hours, wrangling him to sleep.

As I say, always do. And. Feeling the sense of claustrophobia and darkness that really matched being next to the ceiling where you can't breathe because it's hot and it's dark. And if I sat up, I was going to bunk my head and my whole life just felt like that. And I picked up my phone and I looked on Facebook.

So we're talking about something that's about six years ago and. I was part of a single mom group. And back then really there was like one or two single mom groups. And I posted a question that was something along the lines of I'm feeling just this dark color over me. I don't know what to do.

And the responses I got were encouraging. You got it, but I didn't feel like I had it at all. And what I was really looking for were practical tools and practical advice and somebody who had walked this path ahead of me.

Damaged Parents: [00:04:19] So while it was helpful that they said you got it. It wasn't really helpful that they said you got it, because that didn't mean anything. You didn't have anything to a task to associate with that.

Janis Isaman: [00:04:32] Correct. And so I think that really where I landed with that was. I was kind of on my own, which is, how I had been the entire parenting path, but I needed to find a way out. And then it became something where I felt like I wanted to help others because in that moment, when I was reaching out for help, the best I could get was kind of a sunshine and rainbow saying, you can do this.

But I didn't have any practical advice. I didn't have any tools. I didn't have any sort of way out. And so last year I wrote that article to become that voice and to shine that flashlight into that dark closet, because I remember. Being in his bed and having that darkness just wash over my body where I had come four years through it.

But the pathway was not getting any brighter up ahead.

Damaged Parents: [00:05:29] Yeah. And it sounds like you were really disappointed that there wasn't something you could do. And if you're only getting, you've got this, I'm just thinking about this. If that's all you're getting and you don't feel like you're capable to the task at hand, which is overwhelming in the best of circumstances. And at the same time, it sounds like you're feeling alone. How did you keep going in those moments? Did those? I got, you got this. Did those comments, did they help you to keep moving forward?

Janis Isaman: [00:06:01] Well, no, not at all, but what I did get out of that was. There isn't any buddy who's going to actually help me. I need to figure this out and I need to come up with a solution. I need to make this work. And I need to actually then be in a position where I can help other people, which is exactly what happened.

Last year when I wrote that article and the reason it blew me backwards is because I have received at least 5,000 comments from people who resonate relate are in that position. And a lot of them say, you've given me voice to my experience. You are me. Thank you for putting words to this. So, although I didn't write the definition for what a lone parent is, I accidentally became sort of spokesperson because I really.

Wanted to be that person that I didn't have. And a lone parent is somebody who is. Alone. We end up in that circumstance for a number of different reasons. It, it's almost a little bit misunderstood because a lot of people don't really understand how we end up there in the first place, but it could be a partner who has left and wants nothing to do with the birth process or the child.

It could be a partner who has died. I actually received a lot of notes from people who are in that scenario because they're actually military. So, although they do have a second income, the spouse is gone for sometimes years at a time. Yeah. There are lone parents who are actually grandparenting because the parent of the child is either deceased or they're an addict.

There are people who are in that scenario by choice. So they set out to be in that scenario because they couldn't find a partner. I actually know a man who is a single parent by choice, who had a surrogate and he's now expecting his second child. So there are. A lot of lone parents, but yet we make up a very small percentage of single parents because it is phenomenally more common to have a second parent who has at least some involvement.

When I'm talking about loan parenting in that aspect. I'm not saying one is better or one is harder or one is easier or one is worse. It's simply a fact that lone parent just isn't splitting custody and we're not getting child support. There is no second parent and that is in every aspect.

Yeah, love it. But first and foremost, it's legal. So before we continue with it, this conversation, I just want to make that part clear because I have had people that get very offended that. We have this as a category and it, I can't speak to the experience of raising a child with someone else or sharing custody or child support payments, or divorces or any of that.

That's not my experience. So I'm not speaking from that experience. I only am speaking from my own experience and it's, literally just a definition so that people can kind of understand what it is. It's not saying that it's easier or harder.

Damaged Parents: [00:09:04] Yeah. And it sounds like a lot of people may fit into that category, whether they're divorced or not single or not.

Janis Isaman: [00:09:14] Yes, absolutely.

Damaged Parents: [00:09:15] it, it almost doesn't. It does not seem to discriminate because I could be divorced. And fit in that category. I could also just be single. I could also be married . I could be any of those things.

Janis Isaman: [00:09:28] right. And, and actually, as far as. It goes, quite frankly, if you feel like a lone parent, you are, I had people that wrote to me and asked if they were lone parents because they're married and in relationships where they are fundamentally behaving as lone parents. And I mean, I feel like if you feel like you are, you are, we don't need, you sort of look at any other aspect, but  that's just sort of a fact

Damaged Parents: [00:09:55] it almost sounds like what you're saying. This is going to sound kind of funny, but, a friend of mine was, was trying to figure out if she had an allergy to gluten and she stopped eating gluten and started feeling better. And you know, I'm thinking, why not? You need to go get a test. And she's like, why would I go get a test?

If I know that I don't eat gluten and I feel better. So it's kind of like, it just is what your experiences.

Janis Isaman: [00:10:18] Yeah. Yeah. And I think, you know, legally speaking, there are certain. Definitions, but at the end of it, someone who's raising a child all by themselves has a certain experience. And it is, different than somebody who is co-parenting. I have never, in my life had to deal with custody. I have never had to deal with divorce proceedings.

I have never had to deal with. Child support payments and those things all come with their own fun games. I have also never lived with a spouse, which also comes with its own fun stuff. And so I think that there are pieces of my experience that actually every parent can resonate with. But there's also pieces that are unfathomable to somebody who has a spouse or who's has that 50, 50 custody arrangement or who's getting child support payments.

Damaged Parents: [00:11:08] Yeah. Yeah. I think I can agree with all of that. It's just a very complex subject. I mean, it's hard. It's really hard. And also, I just want to round back to the earlier I noticed the timeline, it took you about five years to write that article. So what happened after that night?

Janis Isaman: [00:11:29] That's a great question. So something really interesting happened that I wouldn't have ever predicted. I had that strong sense of loneliness, isolation, darkness, claustrophobia, and one of the strongest pathways out for me was actually volunteering. So I volunteered with an agency that unfortunately has subsequently folded called Motherhood Matters, and it functioned like a big brothers mentorship program for young moms.

And so they were women under the age of 24 that had children. There was no prerequisite for those women to be single parents. And there was no prerequisite for them to have given birth as teenagers. But in most cases, both of those were true. And I actually gave birth. As I mentioned in that article, I was almost 34 years old.

So I was older than all of them were. And. I still had this huge point of commonality in the fact that I was a single parent and alone parent. And it was so rewarding. I was actually the first single parent that they'd ever had that volunteered for that program, because typically they said single or lone parents don't have the resources or their capacities to give, but I actually.

Created the time out of thin air to do this because it mattered so much to me. And so my son was actually a volunteer as well. He helped with the little children and he was their youngest volunteer for nine week. We had a group program and we would go through self agency exercises. So where we did an exploration of values and who we are as women and who we are as mothers and what matters to us and self-esteem, and then at the end of that nine weeks, the young women had the opportunity to choose a mentor to work with for a year.

And I did the program twice, so I spent two years doing this and it. Changed everything for me, because suddenly I was in a community with other women who were often in my position, even though we were, I was old enough to be their mother. But I found that some of those conversations really made me.

Appreciate where I was in life. They made me appreciate the things that I did have. They made me appreciate who I was and have that gravitas of being a little bit older. The great thing was that a lot of them felt the opposite where they actually really appreciated how they had youth and how they had a different energy to bring to parenting.

And so it was just a beautiful experience because no matter where we were. We all found that there was something about our experience that we could really appreciate just by having that diversity of seeing somebody else

Damaged Parents: [00:14:25] Yeah, that sounds really interesting in, because what I heard you say was that. Although you were old enough, you could be their mother. You found commonality, you all found commonality with each other and different values for you that didn't fit for them. They didn't judge you or get mad at you because you had different values , and same for you.

That you were able to come from these two different perspectives that are very complex and bring it together. And work together for the common good, which was to, it sounds like it was to uplift everyone, including you

Janis Isaman: [00:15:04] absolutely. And I felt like it was just that's exactly right. It was the mutual inspiration club and I follow most of the women on Facebook. In fact, I got a message from my second mentee today and just watching them flourish and grow and mature as women and mothers and young professionals and watching their children grow is immensely satisfying to me.

And it really changed. Everything about how I saw being alone parent, that was the first moment that I really had that sense of appreciation. And that sense of even ownership prior to that, I was a bit embarrassed that I was a single parent. I was a bit embarrassed that I was a lone parent, and that really settled me into that experience.

And part of it was simply. I hadn't met another lone parent. And so although people tell me quite often that it's common, I just hadn't had the experience of meeting other loan parents. I'd definitely met single parents, although frankly, even that was a little bit less statistically common with a child under five

than it is with a child over five.

Damaged Parents: [00:16:14] Yeah. So I want to investigate and better understand the, that embarrassed feeling of, being alone parent, which like we said earlier, can be defined on many different levels in many different avenues, but I'm, I want to understand why you felt embarrassed.

Janis Isaman: [00:16:35] it was. A little bit of a shattering of my self identity. So I was the, A plus student, the Dean's list student, the achiever professional, and it's. It's still to this day, jars me slightly. When I think of looking back at a photo of myself from high school, that this is how I lived my life. It's not what I expected and it's not at all what I would have predicted.

I don't know that it's what anybody who knew me would have predicted. Cause I fit more into that goody two-shoes hyper achiever. Category. And that isn't to say that goody two shoes and hybrid achievers don't have children or don't become single parents. It was just, it's something about the way that I saw myself and this kind of wasn't it.

So

it's.

Damaged Parents: [00:17:31] so just real quick, did you picture so. I'm thinking high school, you've got this idea of what life is going to look like. And part of that, it sounds like from what I'm hearing you, what I'm not hearing, but what I'm hearing you say is that looked like the family with the house and the dog and  I think the dream most .

I don't know, it's a dream I had. I'm thinking a lot of women have the same dream. A lot of men have the same dream of having a family and, what that looks like. and there's this idea that it needs to look a certain way. So I'm thinking

Janis Isaman: [00:18:03] Yeah. And actually that one's really interesting. I ended up at the time that I gave birth, I actually was working in a fashion media job in New York city. And I was surrounded by. Really fun, gregarious, outgoing people who dressed up and had a glass of champagne in their hand, and then were munching on hors d'oeuvres as we were at these fabulous fashion events, including New York fashion week.

So I think that I really didn't think of myself in that motherly role at all. At that point I was in the zone of life where I wanted to. Start, but everybody in New York kind of lives on a bit of a different time scale. So I was the first person in my peer set to have a baby.

And I was, you know, nine days before my 34th birthday. So that's not young at that point by traditional North American standards, but in New York City, that's young.

So I think that my brain was moving into that territory, but I hadn't quite caught up with my brain yet. And so it, it was something that from high school I couldn't have ever imagined, but even at the moment when I was actually in the situation that wasn't really the life that I was living and it wasn't kind of something that I was working towards and moving on that pathway.

Damaged Parents: [00:19:30] Yes. So it was embarrassment on a bunch of , different levels then. So it wasn't just this idea of what life would look like from high school. It was also you're on this career path. It sounds like you're a strong business woman. You're ready to go. And now you're getting. Thrown into the left field sorta.

Janis Isaman: [00:19:48] Yeah, exactly. And so I definitely think that also created a scenario where a few years later, I mean, it did take me a couple of years to cognitively catch up to, I ended up moving. I ended up changing careers. I moved to a new city in a new country. And so I had a lot of things to rebuild in terms of myself identity.

And I think we are all familiar with how much you have to rebuild that self identity, just to be a mother. Period. But then I had to be a single parent on top of that, and I didn't really give a lot of accommodation those days to the idea of. Lone parent is another layer, but I was rebuilding everything about who I was.

And so it, it didn't happen like that now. I don't think it happens like that for any mother. We talked about pregnancy as this preparation period, which it is, but it certainly is not the end of the self identity movement. I think that actually takes. I don't know, but it takes a couple of years, I think, to really settle yourself into who you are as a mother.

Actually they, the experience that I had with the motherhood matters group, where we got to go through these exercises, I was like, every woman should do this. Every woman should get these exercises when we're pregnant, we should all do them afterwards. Just taking that time to really go through your value system and get to know who you are and really settle into those changes.

Is actually something I didn't hear anybody talking about, but we have to completely reframe how we navigate through the world. And it's not about getting back into your cute jeans and snapping fun photos on Instagram. It literally changes how everyone in society relates to you and how you relate to your time and your priorities and your body and your house and your.

You're put into this primary caregiving role, which is a huge shift for all women. And I just think it takes a long time to  rebalance, no matter what kind of parent you are, you can be married, you can be single, you can be lone. It's a process. So I think that mine probably took a little bit longer because I didn't see it coming necessarily.

I wasn't planning ahead. I didn't have that picture of myself in the white picket fence land with the minivan.

Damaged Parents: [00:22:20] Weren't there yet.  Well, you said your son also volunteered, so that was a few years after you had that wake up call, if you will.

 and the values thing that sounds really interesting to me I'm also a mom and I don't think I knew my values would change either.

No one ever had that conversation with me

Janis Isaman: [00:22:39] No one ever had it with me either.

Damaged Parents: [00:22:41] There is this whole new identity, but okay. So you're in this class, you're getting to investigate your values. They're getting to investigate their values. You're recognizing it doesn't matter whether I was a teen mom, you know, a 34 year old mom. This experience, this portion of the human experience is so similar that we all have to figure out who we are.

Again.

Janis Isaman: [00:23:08] That's right. That's right. And I think, women have a much bigger task than men do in our culture, because there really is a cultural value system around what a mother is. A mother is someone who selflessly gives a mother, is someone who puts her child. First. A mother is someone who basically murders herself and is nurturing and kind, and all of these different things.

And not might not be. Who you are as a person and that's okay too. And so really settling into these are the things out of that narrative that I actually accept and that I want, and that I embrace. And it's who I am versus these other pieces of that narrative that I can push out. So this is a small example, but on the first day of school, We are traditionally bombarded on social media with photos of everybody's children underneath the tree with their cute outfits, great new school hair.

And then there's a letter board right beside the child. So it's either chalk or letters, so-and-so grade, whatever. These are the things they like. And they're adorable. That becomes part of that narrative of moms or artsy moms or crafty moms love baking cookies and decorating them. Moms love spending time doing our projects with their kids, and then they take their project outside and they set it next to their child and they take this adorable photo and share it with the world.

I struggled with that. I actually am very creative. I'm a writer, I'm a photographer, but. No one wants to see anything that I have written on a chalkboard. I do not have the skills to create sort of that fussiness of a letter board. And it, it bothered me and I felt all this pressure because I was like, Oh, I've failed as a mom because I can barely get my kid to stand underneath the darn tree because he's had so many pictures taken of him in his life that he's like literally running and. My girlfriend said to me, why are you doing this? You don't even like crafting. I had to actually sit there and take that in for a moment and think, you know what? She's right. I'm putting pressure on myself to get art paper and construction, paper and markers and little fuzzy balls and glue. Yeah. To sit at the table with my child, because I think that's what I'm supposed to do because moms are crafty.

And I put that in quotation marks and that conversation was my girlfriend. Really let me go, allowed me to let go of that value system, which frankly, I didn't create that. Isn't my value system. My mom. I don't think was really crafty. She baked and cooked, but she didn't. I have zero recollections of her sitting, crafting.

I went to school when we had film photography. So there is like some sweet photos of me with one eye open, one eye closed. And so none of that actually adds up to anything that. Quote unquote matters, but I think it's that narrative of what a mother is in our society and our culture. And so the opportunity to actually go into my value system and say, I'm rejecting that, and I'm not a crafty mom.

I am not a crafty mum.

 Damaged Parents: [00:26:29] How did you do that? And be confident in doing that and knowing that, do you understand the question? Because I think a lot of moms, because of the society that says a mom needs to look a certain way, they think they have to, and if they don't, then they're not going to be accepted. So how do you do that and feel good about it?

Janis Isaman: [00:26:50] Well, and that's, that was me having a conversation with my friend and literally stopping. I remember pausing and there was dead air on the phone. And. I was like, yeah, I have no idea why I am trying to put myself into that box. I think that in my case, I have. A career that I care about much more than I care about gluing fuzzy balls onto construction paper.

And so actually allowing myself to let go of the perception that I needed to spend time forcing myself to learn how to be crafty and, Putting more time into the things that did matter to me and spending time with my child in a different way, but it was literally going through that exercise verbally.

But the other thing for me, I wasn't a traditional parent from the moment that my child was born. It isn't that common that there's only one parent on the birth certificate. So there have always been some things that I just. I'm just not coming at this in the same way. So when my son was, I'm going to say three, I had been hit with the narrative over and over and over that it gets easier and that I needed a break.

We see this everywhere. Moms need a break. That break is usually girls night out or wine.

Damaged Parents: [00:28:16] isn't that so true. I didn't even think about it. You're saying it. And I, and what's flashing in my mind is, you know what I see on Facebook or on Instagram.

Or even on TikTok and it's an on TikTok. It's, bad on TikTok because you get these ornery posts of moms, drinking the wine   ,

Janis Isaman: [00:28:37] So, let me tell you, as a lone parent, there was a few times that I did, I did tipple back some wine, and that is like a nightmare because the next day. Who is looking after your child. And I'm a small person, I'm five foot four and 125 pounds. So I have two glasses of wine and I definitely don't feel great the next day.

So I don't need to drink a whole bottle of wine to, to be off. So I was like, okay , this is not gonna work for me because I don't have help the next day. And when you feel like you have the flu that you've basically got in order to take a break, it just didn't work for me. So when my son was about three, I literally recognize that this break, that everybody kept telling me, Oh, you need a night out.

You need to. And have a glass of wine. You need to get away from your child, that this was just not going to happen. So my sister lives nearby, but she's a 20 minute drive away. And so there was. At least a year that I tried, the cultural prescription for having a break, but what it would look like I would get done work.

I would go pick my son up from the day home. So that was 20 minutes each way to do that, then I would drive to my sister's house. And now we've got another 20 minutes. Then I would drive 20 minutes. Back to meet some people for a glass of wine. And without exaggerating, by the time I got to that table, they had already been done work for almost two hours.

So they're there work drank was basically wrapping up. So then I would have a glass of wine and then I would get in my car and drive another 20 minutes to go to my sister's house, get him back in the car. And, that's something when you're talking about an 80 minute round trip drive to have a glass of wine, you can do that sometimes.

But that cannot be the basis of your break. That cannot be the basis of your downtime. That cannot be the basis of your recovery, because I don't know about other people, but I do not even really like driving. And if I never had to drive a car again, I would be like a okay , so that this stress and the time, and then calling in a favor for my sister and yes, I was lucky enough to have a family member to help, but that definitely came at a.

At a cost in terms of , I had, and it's reasonable. I had to drive him there and come and pick him up. Nobody was , and again, that's not an unreasonable ask. So I did that for almost a year and just felt like, okay, this is then there came a day. I was like, okay, this is ridiculous. I'm cutting out

Damaged Parents: [00:31:04] Yeah. And it sounds like what was supposed to be a break really was a lot of work and it was not really a break. Anyway,

Janis Isaman: [00:31:09] It was not a break. And then I think really the folks that I met in that kind of sphere, that was just the expectation. Then you can't take a baby in tow bar anyways. So,  I realized at that point, when, you know, I did that from probably the time he was two to somewhere when he was three, I was like, okay, this break, this mythical break is not coming.

There is no break. So I need to step outside of this messaging because I don't have someone to make me breakfast or to, take my child while I'm in the other room, just reading a book. So I literally. Got out a piece of paper. I wrote down the things I liked and the things that I knew my son liked. And I looked for those places where they overlapped.

And at that point I stopped trying to do stuff that was just for me, but I also stopped trying to do the stuff that was just for him. So. Those indoor play places that most cities have. We have them in spades because I live in Canada where it's cold eight months of the year. I hate those places and I hate them, but they also are places where at least the ones that I went to.

The parents' bodies are actually too big to get into the play equipment. So then the parents said at the bottom, the children play and I just felt like I was in some sort of special hell box. So those got chopped off the list. We're not doing that anymore. I decided that I was not going to go to.

Those hyper kid focused events. So there are shows and different theater projects that are just dedicated to shows for two. And three-year-olds I wanted to, poke myself. So fill me in the eye with a fork with those. It just, I didn't enjoy that kind of pitch of music, et cetera. And so much as that sounds sort of quasi awful.

Yeah. I ha that was the first moment where I had to get rid of that mom guilt. I had to get rid of the, sort of the shoulds and the expectations about what other people were doing and how they were parenting. It's really great to take your kids to a play place or take your kids who a theater show that's for two year olds when.

Your circumstance then allows you to go and have a glass of wine and get together with the girls and go to the gym and do these other things where you can feel that sense of relaxation and restoration. I didn't get that. It was just recognizing that my reality did not allow for that.

And so I started taking my son to the things that we both authentically enjoyed and it truly wasn't that hard. We both really love cultural things. So we went to festivals and museums and different events and. We had a great time. I didn't feel like I was doing it quote unquote for him. He didn't feel like he was missing out on anything.

And we spent a ton of time together. So that was the longest answer ever to get back to how a couple of years later when he was in school, how was able to sort of shed that? Well, I had already done it once. I had already said I'm rejecting personally because it just doesn't work for me the way that we typically think that we have to parent, which is to.

Make the entire world revolve around the child's activities and the child's interests because I couldn't, I literally couldn't go to work all day and then spend my entire evening and weekend focused on probably is probably cause he was a boy too, like Hot Wheels and Lego. And. And things like that. And certainly I love my child.

I also like my child and I like watching him get lit up and engaged by things, but I just wasn't in a position to completely sacrifice all of my limited spare time just to Hot Wheels and Legos. And

Damaged Parents: [00:34:57] and I think though, in some ways society says we, as moms need to. That once you have this child forget about you, forget about what you want. You are nothing. And if, you do happen to have something or , be someone or want to affect change, then it's wrong because you're not focused on the child.

Janis Isaman: [00:35:19] I agree. I actually, it, it is very rare, but there were more than one comment that popped up. On that elephant journal article from males, PS, who said you shouldn't be writing, you should be focused on your child.  And the article is meant to help other people. The article is meant to help me. The article is meant to be a creative expression, but that notion.

Still very much exists. So it definitely happens that anytime I think a woman steps out  steps away from my child is the sphere of my world. It isn't necessarily always taken with kindness and grace and compassion for what that woman may be going through.

Damaged Parents: [00:36:08] Yeah. And I'm not certain, it's the healthiest thing to do either. Not , the stepping away, I think is important. The 100% focus on what this, the child wants and the child not needing to. Well, there's just no negotiation, no room for everybody to be who they need to be. B. And in this scenario, we're talking about where a parent, mother or father is required to, in some sense, make it all about the child and not about the family as a unit.

Janis Isaman: [00:36:42] right. And I think that is one area where lone parents are living a heightened expression of it because at the end of it, yeah. We are the family breadwinner in terms of income. We also have to look after all of the domestic tasks, just like a two parent home. We also have to look after , anything that is the car, that house, the mowing of the lawn, et cetera, depending on where you live.

And then we have to do all the childcare pieces. And so at the end of it, there isn't capacity. At least there wasn't for me to self-sacrifice and make it all about him and have nothing left for me, no space in my own life, which is actually at the end of it. That's how I did live for a while. And so I know it doesn't work for me.

I think that people have different ranges and capacities that they can do that. But what I can save for sure until COVID threw the blanket over everything. I can honestly say that my son and my son would tell you this himself. He never felt one moment of. Sacrifice. It's just what we did. We took a tour of the ice cream factory.

We drove down to a museum where it's called head smashed in Buffalo jump. And the Indigenous people actually literally ran Buffalo off the side of a cliff and then created food and lodging from that. We live in Canada. So we went to the Canada day festival and explored all of that. Every single weekend we were doing this kind of thing, and I really enjoyed it. Some of the things we did, I hadn't done since I was a child or I had never done. We were spending time together. We were engaging in the world. We were taking in culture. And so I struggled to think that I was doing something wrong or bad,

by not taking him to an indoor play place or not letting the world revolve around him.

It was something that we literally just enjoyed doing together. And both of us enjoyed it equally.

Damaged Parents: [00:38:44] Yeah. And it sounds like, I mean, I don't know about you, but I'm thinking you're going to go in and doing all these things that are different instead of going to the play place with the blocks every single weekend. And that just seems like it would get really boring to me over time.

Whereas what you're doing, what you're doing is showing, giving diversity in experience. And I think that's also really cool.

Janis Isaman: [00:39:08] Yeah, we had a lot of diversity and again, I mean, COVID sort of put a stop to a lot of it because these things literally don't exist, but they will again, and we will, carry forth. But that was the first moment that I really had to step outside of what culture told me I shouldn't be doing.

And what advice I was given and really step into myself as a mother, as a business owner, as a woman, and say, I reject that because it literally doesn't work. What ended up happening with me? It only happened twice, but that was still, it was twice. I remember crying on my bed because I had asked my son to just give me, like, literally, please I need one and a half minutes, but he was three.

He doesn't know. And just not having any space to even breathe in my own life. That didn't work for me. So it actually, wasn't some sort of massive cultural rebellion. It was. Literally born of, I can't, I cannot do this. It's like this. And so it doesn't matter. What's expected of me. It doesn't matter what my peers are doing.

I don't have the same parenting situation. I don't have the same capacities and I'm not a failure. I have to find a different way.

Damaged Parents: [00:40:21] Yeah, and I just can't help thinking how many married couples are probably thinking the same thing, but because they're capable, able to right there, they're doing what society

is wanting them to do. And then the neat thing about COVID is everybody gets to rethink. And so what do you guys do now for,  COVID

Janis Isaman: [00:40:43] Oh, yeah, not a lot. So my son is school aged and he is at home with me all the time, which isn't the best for him. But it's what we do. So we have just kind of settled into, I mean, I. There's nice parts to it. He's kind of around all the time. So right before we started recording, he was wondering on the kitchen getting some food.

And so we have more micro interactions. I think that those bigger opportunities will return, but we haven't really replaced it with some kind of amazing other thing I wish I could tell you. But what I definitely notice is he is. He is absorbing things that are happening in my business because I work from home now.

He actually started his own podcast because I'm guessing on podcasts. And so I'm seeing that mirroring of different lessons and different explorations. And he's actually learned to shop for his own groceries and make his own food. And so there's, there's just. Different stuff happening here, but COVID, it has really put us to the wall because I still have a full-time job.

And he is a ten-year-old child who has been basically tasked with filling his day. So he spends a lot of his day listening to podcasts and playing some video games, doing homework, watching YouTube videos But this is the way of a lone parent. We don't have, we don't have options. There is no second parents who in our home anyways, to sort of buffer that fall.

So we have just made the best of it. We actually had a therapist work with us to try to actually make the best of the situation. And, you know, I think that those outside activities and events have just been sparse for everyone. So we're not alone in that

Damaged Parents: [00:42:31] Yeah, no, no. And I think it's really neat. You said that you had a therapist help with that transition, so that, so do you think that you and your son work? Is it more as a team now that. That you're in the house all the time, which I don't think is a bad thing. Some people might think that's a bad thing. I think it's a good thing.

But what are your thoughts on that?

Janis Isaman: [00:42:53] I mean, most of the time we do, we definitely have moments and the biggest moment is actually just about chores. So again, this isn't something that's super uncommon. He's 10. He just turned 10 actually. So I'm always kind of nagging him to do chores. He's always resisting the chores. So the other day he, I started in, on my, chore lecture.

He cut me off and he's like, mom, you have about 15 minutes in you. And I haven't heard it all before. He's like, none of this is new. So we need a code word for this. It should be like banana or something. And then you can just say one word, cause I already know the whole thing.

Damaged Parents: [00:43:30] That's awesome.

Janis Isaman: [00:43:32] And so I think that there's a couple of things that kids have lone parents really do get, and you know, I'm not going to lie. I think if I had a second adult who lived with me, I think that I wouldn't push him as much to do those chores and to take that hyper responsibility, but I don't have any choice because I cannot take a ten-year-old who has outside responsibilities and cultural and societal expectations, and also pick up after him, like he's a two year old.

So I really create that expectation for him that it needs to get done. And if he doesn't do it a week in a row, we're going to get that banana lecture.

Damaged Parents: [00:44:10] Right. Well, and I think too, it sounds like , he's learning and growing in here really teaching him how to survive in the real world and not in the pretend world of mom or dad is going to clean up after me.

Janis Isaman: [00:44:24] Correct. And I think that cuts across the board. I also think that at least in our house, there is no place to hide. He is exposed to my emotions. He is exposed to. Conversations and very real world things, because I don't have that buffer and I don't have somebody at night to, to chat about.

And I'm not saying that I use his, him as an adult in that sense, but , he's definitely exposed to the challenges of what real adult life looks like. And. I don't think that's a bad thing, I guess,  we'll find it in that eight or so years. But, so I think that the article really talked about that as well.

There have been some amazing benefits to it. I think we're a lot closer than an average set of parent and child. Relationally. I think that the expectations of him are to contribute and that they are to actually be exposed to what real life looks like. He is my plus one to events and activities and travel.

And I gave an example in that article. I had a, I have a girlfriend who I've known for over a decade and she came to the city where we live. She was doing her first opera as the lead performer. And so she was kind enough to comp me two tickets and they came with backstage access. Now, if I had actually been in a primary relationship, I probably would have taken my husband or my boyfriends, but I wasn't.

. So my son got to go and that's an experience and he's had many of those kinds of experiences where I have really thought about that, where, if I'm traveling, maybe we wouldn't take a family of three. Maybe I would just go with my adult partner or. I would have definitely that night at the opera taken an adult with me, but instead he got this amazing experience.

My girlfriend and I were laughing because it's what he thinks opera is. He got to go to the, you know, the green room backstage and it happened to be closing nights. So he got to go to the cast party. And he actually went to an art school and one of his teachers was actually there, which was really extra exciting.

But that was his first experience with opera. And I love that. And I think that is a benefit of actually being in that lone parent scenario where he gets to be that plus one. And he gets to be my sidekick and have these experiences that. He frankly, probably wouldn't otherwise have, but the downside is it is low cultural support.

It is always him and I, it is a lot of pressure to both be the family breadwinner and the domestic goddess. It is, it is really a poll on my time and my stress and my personal capacities. And then I have to contend with those cultural pressures and decide what I'm batting out and what I'm actually going to allow in.

And over the years, I have developed that thick skin where I mentioned in the article that. My son actually runs really hot. His body temperature, super hot. So he hates jackets. He hates mittens and. Actually even as a time-saver when he was young, partly because he does run hot, I was like, okay, this is ridiculous.

Like we live in a condo where to get to the vehicle we're inside the whole time. So it makes no sense to put a jacket and snow pants and mittens and a hat on for me too. Walk this child down to the car. You're actually not supposed to have any of that gear on in the car. So let's pretend that I was going to take it off, but even if I didn't to stick him in the car in all of this gear to then park, a few blocks outside of a day home or a daycare.

And then take him inside and take all this stuff off. Like he's literally spending less than 20 seconds outside. So I just was like, this makes no sense I'm skipping it, but I always have had people kind of showed at me from the street code on that kid, get my hands on that kid. And I, think to myself, you don't.

No. Anything about this situation, his body temperature, super hot. It was a huge struggle to get him to put a jacket on. And at this point at 10, I'm like, okay, he can self-regulate that if he's cold or if he's hot, whatever, he can figure it out. When he was younger. I got a lot of public comments about that.

Which I always found really interesting because I'm like, you have no idea. You don't know how long we've been outside. You don't know anything about my circumstance. You don't know anything about his body. And so just rejecting that kind of notion, rejecting the I'm an artsy mom rejecting those indoor play places.

And it really made me dig into who I was as a person who I wasn't some mother, I certainly do not do everything.

Damaged Parents: [00:49:11] I don't think any mother does.

Janis Isaman: [00:49:13] But I have to have to really appreciate that element of loan parenting, because I think that that push capacity does make us explore that a lot more because we're forced to in a, in a really deep way, because there is no backup. There is nobody kind of offering that time and space and that capacity it's.

You've got to find the time you've got to find the space. You've got to find the capacity. So does it matter? Yes or no? I'm not saying the snowsuit move is every mother's move, but for me, that was an opportunity to save five minutes on each side to just skip the whole deal. And that was 10 minutes of my life.

I could spend doing some other tasks.

Damaged Parents: [00:49:55] Right. That both of you might enjoy, right. Because I'm sure getting him in the snowsuit at a young age was not fun.

Janis Isaman: [00:50:01] No, no, no.

Damaged Parents: [00:50:03] Okay. So three things that you want the listeners to walk away with , from our conversation or just tips or tools you want to give them in being a lone parent, or maybe even simply, I'm going to venture to say, just in being a parent.

Janis Isaman: [00:50:18] Well, I think that tip one is really look at yourself and do what works for you. I think we had a lot of conversation today about what we feel forced to do or what we feel like we quote unquote should do or what culture is expecting of us. And I think to the extent that you can reject what isn't working for you, because that's the stuff that actually creates strain on marriages, it creates strain with your children.

It creates strain within your own body and your own spirit and soul. So whether you're a lone or not, Whether your child is a newborn or a ten-year-old or a 15 year old, it's never too late to actually go through those explorations and exercises to just actually get to know who you are and what matters to you.

The second thing I would say is if a lone parent or a single parent, we often have this assumption that everything's handled and they're fine and less they're asking for help. And I actually joined a lone parent group when my child was around seven, I believe maybe eight. And the thing that surprised me the most was that he was at the low average end of the age of children there.

So. We often assume that mothers need help in that really early phase, but especially in that lone and single parent land, that burnout is actually happening. Years later, it's happening later when the community's gone or it was maybe never built up it's happening later when society and cultures expectations of the child.

Amplify. So at that age, the child's in school, the child's doing extracurriculars. There's more time and money drain on that parent in certain ways than there were, when that child was little. So I think that making an assumption that everything is great, isn't necessarily true. And I'm not saying that I was like a wreck or a mess, but certainly that need for support and for help has never run out.

So I think that it's, always a good idea to kind of reach out to that loan in single parent network and offer meals or a cup of coffee, or just. Just an ear to listen because we don't live with other adults. And therefore that sort of cultural drain that drain really, really starts to show after some period of time.

And it's usually later than what we're expecting. And the third tip I would say is this is possible. So I opened a business. After becoming a lone parent. And I later found out that just 5% of female led single parent owned businesses succeed past five years. So I am one of the people in that.

Success category. I'm glad. I didn't know that statistic when I opened my business. But that's part of the reason that I speak about lone parenting, because I think that we have, again, it's a bit of a cultural notation that single parents are lost or they're poor or they're nobody will ever marry them or date them.

I was told so many times how it would take such a quote unquote, special man to come into our lives. And quite frankly, I have never struggled to date and I have never found the parenting piece a barrier. But I think that. Because we have this image, I talked about kind of my own image of myself in high school and it not matching what a single or a lone parent is.

But I think that is a very pervasive image and I want to replace it with somebody who is confident and competent and succeeding at my gools. And. Speaking and writing and raising a great child who is currently moving the computer all over.

Damaged Parents: [00:54:14] It's okay.

Janis Isaman: [00:54:15] you heard of me is like, so, and raising it, raising a child who is confident and just showing that example of somebody who. Certainly I have growth areas and I have challenges and I have needs and I need support and et cetera, but just being that model for somebody to say, this is a different version of loan and single parenting.

And. Allowing that confidence of we can do this and we can live these great lives and we don't need to sacrifice everything. And we don't need to fall into the bottom of the barrel and stay there. And knowing that community is out there and that we can actually achieve, I would say that I have. In some ways probably achieve more since my child was born than I did before, because I'm so focused on the things that I want.

And I'm so focused on how to optimize my time. And so just knowing that this is possible is a huge message and that, you know what I would say, that even cuts across to parents, mothers. Any marital status in any parenting status that we really have more power and more tools and more competence in us than we're even aware of.

Damaged Parents: [00:55:31] I totally agree. Thank you so much for coming on this show today. Jan is I've loved having you and I love your story.

Janis Isaman: [00:55:38] Thank you so much for having me.

Damaged Parents: [00:55:40] Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We really enjoy talking to Janis about how she figured out. Being a lone parent doesn't have to be alone. You can be married. You could be divorced. You could be in any kind of a relationship and still be a lone parent. We especially liked when she spoke with an abundance of love for her child.

To unite with other damaged people. Connect with us on Facebook. Look for damaged parents. We'll be here next week. Still relatively damaged. See you then.